For the Love of our Children

I recently read an interesting book called The Five Love Languages of Children by Ross Campbell and Gary Chapman (a refocused version of Chapman’s The Five Love Languages which was targeted to adults.) This book was fascinating because it gets at the heart of what we always say with confusion about raising our children….”they are so different!” It shouldn't be a great surprise then that different children have different emotional needs, including how they need to feel love.

The authors develop the idea that because each person has unique needs it is important for us to identify how that person best receives our love. When we are responsible for the self-esteem and emotional growth of our children, it can’t hurt to think more about this issue.

Campbell and Chapman identify the five love languages and discuss how they relate to children:

1. Physical touch

2. Words of affirmation

3. Quality time

4. Gifts

5. Acts of service

I think we would all unequivocally say that we love our children with all our hearts, but what I didn’t spend a lot of time considering is the way I demonstrate my love for my children. I give lots of positive affirmation, hugs and a kiss, and time, because that is what is important to me and I thought that is what they would like. But I never stopped to think that these things may not be the most important thing to them.

For example, for the longest time, I was complaining that my son was just so DEMANDING! Why couldn’t he wait for anything? It was so frustrating because I never felt I could finish anything without interruption and I was feeling like his own personal hand maid. What was worse is that if I didn’t tend to the request quickly, the intensity of the request would mount and also additional requests were added to my “to do” list.

After reading about the love languages, it occurred to me that perhaps his love language was acts of service in which someone feels the most love when he/she is shown love through actions such as providing meals, offering a drink, making the bed. I thought this was a little wacky, so I gave it a little test and was quickly surprised by the results.

For 24-hours, I made the decision to respond to each request without waiting. Verbally acknowledge each request and not ask him to wait (which is what I would usually do). I would even offer preemptive acts of service by asking in advance if he would like a drink, a snack, or some other act of service, such as making sure he had his favorite “lovey” toy.

Interestingly enough, the requests instantly started to diminish and he seemed happier. Stress was reduced and he began acting lovingly towards me with hugs and other acts of love. It was so satisfying for both of us. The rewards were immense.

While all demonstrations of love are important there appears to be a primary or preferred language that meets the emotional needs of each person. We can learn a lot from learning about which methods appeal most to each of our children. What an easy way to nurture their spirits and to help us be more effective parents.

There are many versions of the Five Love Languages concepts such as for teenagers, for men, for couples, for singles, etc. For further resource information: http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/

Helen, guest blogger