Oh no, another New Year

My house is a chaotic mess. My dishes are never done, my laundry is piled in the hallway, my kids have runny noses and long, dirty fingernails. My kids watch too much television and I drink too much wine and not quite enough coffee. I never go to the gym and spend way too much time and money online. My husband is neglected and my house plants are dead. My important papers are piled haphazardly in a bin in the closet and I can never find anything I need. I am forever buying new stuff because I can't find the three or four I already have: flashlights, umbrellas, stewed tomatoes, gloves, sunglasses, batteries, whiteout, blank cd's.....

Enough is enough! The new year is coming and I'm considering a radical resolution: To boldly impose order where none has existed before. Trouble is, I have no idea how to go about it. Oh, I've read all the organization books and checked out flylady and all the rest, but nothing has ever helped for long. But this time, it's different. I mean it this time. Really.

So here's where you come in: I need some help! If you can walk through your house without a Lego injury, if you aren't able to collect enough earwax from your kids to start a bonfire, if you can put your hands on your will within five minutes, give me some tips! If not, wanna come over for some wine? Any night is good for me.

Anonymous, guest blogger

Temporary Duty: Why Me?

It must be the holiday season because it's TDY time again. And this time, well, it's the same as usual. The house looks like a laundry bomb hit it as my husband "packed" for the trip. The kitchen shows signs of "going away" meals and the last bits of Thanksgiving clean-up. The kids are zooming around on the typical sugar-high and I'm on my own!

Sometimes I complain that I'm a single-parent at times like this, but this offends my husband. I suppose he has every right to be offended because it makes him sound like he's run off on an adventure without any care of what happens back at home. I understand that this literal fact is not true, but on the other hand, when the kids start throwing up, the homework needs to be done, the dinner needs to be cooked, professional responsibilties need to be tended to, the house needs cleaning, and the clothes are all dirty and need washing, for all intense purposes, it is true. I've got no back-up and, for some reason, TDY is often the time when the car starts falling apart or the kids need a middle-of-the-night ER trip. The main difference is that it is, thankfully, temporary.

As military spouses and parents, I think we do live a double-life. We have the life when our spouses are home and the life when they are gone. And, I think, they are two very different lives. Complete and incomplete. I stress out over upcoming TDYs and then stress out about settling back in when they are over. Just when you get the hang of things being one way, it's time for a chance.

While I'm amazingly blessed that Osan provides a unique support system unlike I've ever seen in my many years as a military spouse, the best support system in the world doesn't really change the fact that someone has to get up at three in the morning to change the sheets or if I'm having a spectacularly bad day, there's no relief and that can be a lonely place to be.

On the other hand, TDY time is also when we really find out what it means to be a support system. While we can't always fix every problem and be there for each other in the middle of the night, I know that, if I asked, someone would come and that helps. When I was talking to a new Osanite recently, she was concerned about what would happen if a medical emergency happened while she was so far from her family and I was able to say, without a second of doubt, that there would be help.

Sometimes I wonder how I can be so weak and dependant, then other times I'm amazed at how much strength I have at just "getting through". And, surprisingly, I do always "get through". Sometimes better than others, but always with new lessons learned and a new appreciation for the love and support around me.

Open letter to an Osan family

The military is a hard life. For the active duty member, for the spouse, and especially for the kids, who didn't choose this life. There are ton of generalizations you can make about military kids- some of them are positive, some are negative. On the positive side, they are great at making friends and adapting to change. You can drop them off in a foreign country and they'll fit in in a flash. On the negative side, military kids are often troubled by constant moves, loss of friends, absence of a parent, and fear of loss. To make matters worse, military parents may resist getting help for their kids, because they think it appears weak, because they don't realize there's a problem, because they don't trust military assistance, or maybe even because they're worried they might not get an overseas clearance for their next assignment. These attitudes are understandable, but potentially very harmful to our children and our families.

This afternoon, I chanced upon a kid peeing in the stairwell in Hallasan Tower. I was so shocked that he was able to take off before I could even figure out what to say. I didn't recognize him, and my efforts to identify him have apparently failed. I know he's not unique, because a friend of mine saw a kid relieving himself on a slide at the Hallasan playground a few weeks ago. Lest you think I'm overreacting, this kid was at least eight, and likely ten; not a toddler or pre-schooler who couldn't make it to the bathroom, as was the one my friend saw. Because I am concerned about these kids (and because I don't care to live in a place where I have to wade through human waste to get to the playground or mailbox), I'd like to share an open letter to the parents of this kid and other kids who are like him, who are showing signs that they are seriously troubled. If you think you might know who the kid is and just don't want to say, please at least reach out to the family and offer your help.

Dear Parents,

I'm worried about your kid. I saw him peeing in the stairwell, and that tells me he likely has a serious emotional problem. Maybe things have been slowly getting worse at your house for a long time, and now they've been so bad for so long that this seems normal. Sure, kids of all ages do all kinds of ridiculous, thoughtless and messy things, but acting out in this way is NOT normal behavior. Click here to see some of the characteristics of troubled children. They include inappropriate aggression, and peeing in the common areas of our community definitely belongs in this category.

If some of the signs look familiar (aggression, age-inappropriate behavior, deteriorating performance/behavior, attention issues), please seek help for your family right away. While it can be difficult to get the help you need here, there are things you can do. Family Advocacy has resources that can help, or look for some online assistance at Military One Source, or other online communities such as MilitarySOS.com. Talk to his teacher to see how he acts in school; maybe a counselor or school nurse could provide some help. Try the chapel or a pastor at one of our local off-base churches. Google for information, or order some books, or ask a trusted friend or family member to assist you. Don't be afraid to break the silence; the stakes are high, and your kid is depending on you to help him. Nothing is more important.

I'm not just a community member disgusted and annoyed by pee outside my door; I'm someone who is worried about your child. He is crying out for help. Please listen.

Anna, guest blogger

The Legacy of Two Years at Osan: A Spouse's Story

Ed. note: Thanks to 'Anonymous' for this important message about some common problems that are not often talked about. If you need help, you can call mental health at x2148 or Family Advocacy at x5010 during business hours. For an after hours emergency, dial x2500. And, if you want to share your personal story, submissions, anonymous or otherwise, are always welcome at osanparents@gmail.com.

After spending two years at Osan, I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on the impact it has had on my life. Osan had many wonderful aspects. The support the families offer each other is both limitless and priceless and getting to travel and see Asia was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, but now I’m gone, I’m wondering if all those things were worth the stress on my marriage and my own personal mental health.

The bottom line for me is that all the support in the world does not substitute for the absence of my husband and the father of my children. His 18-hour work days (often 6+ days a week) and the stress the Osan pace put on him brought us all to near collapse. The party line of the base leadership at the time was “it is a privilege” to be at Osan because many service members couldn’t bring their families. This was infuriating because it put me in the pos ition of feeling like I’d asked for all the trouble and that I was on my own.

After about a year of keeping up the Osan pace, I found my emotional health slipping. Being completely responsible for my family half-way around the world from the rest of my family and typical resources was taking its toll. Despite my best efforts to learn as much as I could, not speaking the language was isolating and left me feeling like I was stuck on base and often couldn’t get some of the simple things that would have made me feel more at home. Having limited reliable childcare made taking classes or getting a job nearly impossible. The absence of my husband and his partnership in the rearing of our children and in our marriage drained me emotionally and physically. I was having a hard time keeping up with the demands and responsibilities. I felt like there was no way out.

I finally realized that I needed help and called the Mental Health clinic on base. My first attempt was extremely unhelpful. It was hard to get an appointment (I had to call several times and wait weeks to20be seen) and the counselor I saw did not listen to me. I was telling her what I needed based on previous experience and her treatment style didn’t work for me. In addition, during my first appointment, she told me she was PCSing in a few weeks so she would have to give me to someone else when he/she arrived to take her place.

So I gave up. And I got sicker. I was given medication at a dose that, it turns out, was making me suicidal, but no one was monitoring my care. I slipped through the cracks. Finally in desperation, I called Mental Health again and told them that I was having suicidal thoughts. Finally, they took me very seriously and that is where the help really began. Finally after 6 months of the worst depression I’ve even suffered, I was in the hands of a skilled and caring counselor whose style helped me immensely.

On the marriage side, we didn’t have as much success though. Our marriage counselor was hopeless. He was prior military and unmarried. He instantly, shamelessly, “sided” with my husband. He told me that I simply neede d to put myself in my husband’s shoes and be more supportive of him. He implied that I was substandard because I couldn’t handle the pressures. He did much more damage to our marriage and we are still trying to recover from his “help”.

My advice:

· Ask for help. Don’t let yourself slip through the cracks.

· Be clear about what you need. You have a right to receive the care you need.

· Be persistent. If you can’t get an appointment, walk-in and make them see you.

· Don’t wait until you are desperate to get help.

· Take advantage of the plethora of hourly babysitters on base. Get out. Make sure your life is not just cooking, cleaning, childcare, and sleep. I implemented a night out each week and made sure I hired a sitter regardless of my husband’s schedule. I went out anyway. It was worth it.

· You are not crazy. It is extremely hard and everyone has a different tolerance level.

We are still holding on, but the things that I took for granted in my life are no longer secure. We’ve got lots of work ahead of us. Osan’s legacy will remain to be seen.

Anonymous, guest blogger