The Legacy of Two Years at Osan: A Spouse's Story

Ed. note: Thanks to 'Anonymous' for this important message about some common problems that are not often talked about. If you need help, you can call mental health at x2148 or Family Advocacy at x5010 during business hours. For an after hours emergency, dial x2500. And, if you want to share your personal story, submissions, anonymous or otherwise, are always welcome at osanparents@gmail.com.

After spending two years at Osan, I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on the impact it has had on my life. Osan had many wonderful aspects. The support the families offer each other is both limitless and priceless and getting to travel and see Asia was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, but now I’m gone, I’m wondering if all those things were worth the stress on my marriage and my own personal mental health.

The bottom line for me is that all the support in the world does not substitute for the absence of my husband and the father of my children. His 18-hour work days (often 6+ days a week) and the stress the Osan pace put on him brought us all to near collapse. The party line of the base leadership at the time was “it is a privilege” to be at Osan because many service members couldn’t bring their families. This was infuriating because it put me in the pos ition of feeling like I’d asked for all the trouble and that I was on my own.

After about a year of keeping up the Osan pace, I found my emotional health slipping. Being completely responsible for my family half-way around the world from the rest of my family and typical resources was taking its toll. Despite my best efforts to learn as much as I could, not speaking the language was isolating and left me feeling like I was stuck on base and often couldn’t get some of the simple things that would have made me feel more at home. Having limited reliable childcare made taking classes or getting a job nearly impossible. The absence of my husband and his partnership in the rearing of our children and in our marriage drained me emotionally and physically. I was having a hard time keeping up with the demands and responsibilities. I felt like there was no way out.

I finally realized that I needed help and called the Mental Health clinic on base. My first attempt was extremely unhelpful. It was hard to get an appointment (I had to call several times and wait weeks to20be seen) and the counselor I saw did not listen to me. I was telling her what I needed based on previous experience and her treatment style didn’t work for me. In addition, during my first appointment, she told me she was PCSing in a few weeks so she would have to give me to someone else when he/she arrived to take her place.

So I gave up. And I got sicker. I was given medication at a dose that, it turns out, was making me suicidal, but no one was monitoring my care. I slipped through the cracks. Finally in desperation, I called Mental Health again and told them that I was having suicidal thoughts. Finally, they took me very seriously and that is where the help really began. Finally after 6 months of the worst depression I’ve even suffered, I was in the hands of a skilled and caring counselor whose style helped me immensely.

On the marriage side, we didn’t have as much success though. Our marriage counselor was hopeless. He was prior military and unmarried. He instantly, shamelessly, “sided” with my husband. He told me that I simply neede d to put myself in my husband’s shoes and be more supportive of him. He implied that I was substandard because I couldn’t handle the pressures. He did much more damage to our marriage and we are still trying to recover from his “help”.

My advice:

· Ask for help. Don’t let yourself slip through the cracks.

· Be clear about what you need. You have a right to receive the care you need.

· Be persistent. If you can’t get an appointment, walk-in and make them see you.

· Don’t wait until you are desperate to get help.

· Take advantage of the plethora of hourly babysitters on base. Get out. Make sure your life is not just cooking, cleaning, childcare, and sleep. I implemented a night out each week and made sure I hired a sitter regardless of my husband’s schedule. I went out anyway. It was worth it.

· You are not crazy. It is extremely hard and everyone has a different tolerance level.

We are still holding on, but the things that I took for granted in my life are no longer secure. We’ve got lots of work ahead of us. Osan’s legacy will remain to be seen.

Anonymous, guest blogger