Open letter to an Osan family

The military is a hard life. For the active duty member, for the spouse, and especially for the kids, who didn't choose this life. There are ton of generalizations you can make about military kids- some of them are positive, some are negative. On the positive side, they are great at making friends and adapting to change. You can drop them off in a foreign country and they'll fit in in a flash. On the negative side, military kids are often troubled by constant moves, loss of friends, absence of a parent, and fear of loss. To make matters worse, military parents may resist getting help for their kids, because they think it appears weak, because they don't realize there's a problem, because they don't trust military assistance, or maybe even because they're worried they might not get an overseas clearance for their next assignment. These attitudes are understandable, but potentially very harmful to our children and our families.

This afternoon, I chanced upon a kid peeing in the stairwell in Hallasan Tower. I was so shocked that he was able to take off before I could even figure out what to say. I didn't recognize him, and my efforts to identify him have apparently failed. I know he's not unique, because a friend of mine saw a kid relieving himself on a slide at the Hallasan playground a few weeks ago. Lest you think I'm overreacting, this kid was at least eight, and likely ten; not a toddler or pre-schooler who couldn't make it to the bathroom, as was the one my friend saw. Because I am concerned about these kids (and because I don't care to live in a place where I have to wade through human waste to get to the playground or mailbox), I'd like to share an open letter to the parents of this kid and other kids who are like him, who are showing signs that they are seriously troubled. If you think you might know who the kid is and just don't want to say, please at least reach out to the family and offer your help.

Dear Parents,

I'm worried about your kid. I saw him peeing in the stairwell, and that tells me he likely has a serious emotional problem. Maybe things have been slowly getting worse at your house for a long time, and now they've been so bad for so long that this seems normal. Sure, kids of all ages do all kinds of ridiculous, thoughtless and messy things, but acting out in this way is NOT normal behavior. Click here to see some of the characteristics of troubled children. They include inappropriate aggression, and peeing in the common areas of our community definitely belongs in this category.

If some of the signs look familiar (aggression, age-inappropriate behavior, deteriorating performance/behavior, attention issues), please seek help for your family right away. While it can be difficult to get the help you need here, there are things you can do. Family Advocacy has resources that can help, or look for some online assistance at Military One Source, or other online communities such as MilitarySOS.com. Talk to his teacher to see how he acts in school; maybe a counselor or school nurse could provide some help. Try the chapel or a pastor at one of our local off-base churches. Google for information, or order some books, or ask a trusted friend or family member to assist you. Don't be afraid to break the silence; the stakes are high, and your kid is depending on you to help him. Nothing is more important.

I'm not just a community member disgusted and annoyed by pee outside my door; I'm someone who is worried about your child. He is crying out for help. Please listen.

Anna, guest blogger

A Newcomers Report: What to Expect at Osan

OFF THE AIRPLANE

Korean overpasses and bridges: Not for the faint of heart. I thought the Chesapeake Bay Bridge was bad? That the Tobin was the stuff of nightmares? HA!!!

There are no shoulders on the overpasses and bridges here. If you are sitting on the right side of a vehicle, do not look out the window, because you're just looking DOWN. Straight plummet to your doom. I kid you not.

Korean Air: The 14.30 hour flight was pretty good, even for someone like me, who hates to fly. The flight attendants were warm, gracious, and NEVER terse (unlike American flight attendants). And the Bibimbap served as our first meal on the flight? Yummy.

Humidity: Those of us from the East Coast complain about humidity in the summer. It's our thing. Well, we don’t have anything on Korea! Humid does not even begin to describe it. I couldn't even tell that the AC was on in the airport and when I finally felt it (after changing into a tank top and sitting for a while), it was still so muggy, I could have bathed in the Korean air.

ON THE BASE

Moving In: Thursday was my first long contact with one of the civilians who works on base. He was very thorough in explaining everything to us, and also exemplified the strong Korean work ethic. These folks are VERY customer service oriented. He would give us an example of something that might go wrong and then say, "No problem" and tell us who to contact to fix it.

A Walking Base: When we first arrived, we needed to purchase bedding for our loaner beds and left the BX with a shopping cart (that included a sleeping child!). I felt so nervous walking the shopping cart home, but this is “a walking base”. People do it all the time.

Just remember, after you do your shopping, bring the cart back to the store. Please don’t leave it under the stairs. Nobody is sent to collect them – if you take a shopping cart, it is your responsibility to return it.

Ration Card: I had never heard of such a thing, so I was befuddled to hear the words “Ration Card” when I went to the Commissary in an attempt to shop. It turns out, you need to go to MPF with your spouse to obtain this little card. This is what entitles you to shop at AAFES facilities such as the Commissary, BX and Shopette.

I was given a temporary card, which was turned in to MPF when the “permanent” plastic card arrived.

NEO Packet: This is another thing that I did not know to expect. When you arrive at the base, you and your spouse need to visit the squadron’s Orderly Room to meet your NEO Warden and obtain a few things.

The first is a letter that you will take with you to the Spouse Orientation (more on that later) to get your very own gas mask.

The second is a NEO Packet. In order to fill out the information, you need to know the social security and passport numbers of the family members here with you, and they suggest including many records that you would not want to be caught without in the event of an evacuation.

While I have yet to experience one, there are NEO Exercises for the families. From what I understand, you go to these, bringing your gas mask and packet (and perhaps your NEO bag). The people there just process you through the line by verifying that you are prepared for an evacuation.

Spouse Orientation: I have not experienced this either (and, to be honest, have better things to do that day), but they have them at the end of each month. Unfortunately, if you want your gas mask (both for yourself and your children), you must attend this 8-hour briefing.

They tell you about things that might or might not be important – getting your child enrolled in school, base legal, and why the military is here on the peninsula, just to name a few of the topics.

You must register to attend by calling the Airman Family Readiness Center, and bring your NEO gas mask letter and NEO Packet.

So there you have it – the things I did not expect and wish I had known before I got here! Hopefully this entry will help prepare you for your first few weeks at Osan.

Wendy, guest blogger

The Legacy of Two Years at Osan: A Spouse's Story

Ed. note: Thanks to 'Anonymous' for this important message about some common problems that are not often talked about. If you need help, you can call mental health at x2148 or Family Advocacy at x5010 during business hours. For an after hours emergency, dial x2500. And, if you want to share your personal story, submissions, anonymous or otherwise, are always welcome at osanparents@gmail.com.

After spending two years at Osan, I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on the impact it has had on my life. Osan had many wonderful aspects. The support the families offer each other is both limitless and priceless and getting to travel and see Asia was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, but now I’m gone, I’m wondering if all those things were worth the stress on my marriage and my own personal mental health.

The bottom line for me is that all the support in the world does not substitute for the absence of my husband and the father of my children. His 18-hour work days (often 6+ days a week) and the stress the Osan pace put on him brought us all to near collapse. The party line of the base leadership at the time was “it is a privilege” to be at Osan because many service members couldn’t bring their families. This was infuriating because it put me in the pos ition of feeling like I’d asked for all the trouble and that I was on my own.

After about a year of keeping up the Osan pace, I found my emotional health slipping. Being completely responsible for my family half-way around the world from the rest of my family and typical resources was taking its toll. Despite my best efforts to learn as much as I could, not speaking the language was isolating and left me feeling like I was stuck on base and often couldn’t get some of the simple things that would have made me feel more at home. Having limited reliable childcare made taking classes or getting a job nearly impossible. The absence of my husband and his partnership in the rearing of our children and in our marriage drained me emotionally and physically. I was having a hard time keeping up with the demands and responsibilities. I felt like there was no way out.

I finally realized that I needed help and called the Mental Health clinic on base. My first attempt was extremely unhelpful. It was hard to get an appointment (I had to call several times and wait weeks to20be seen) and the counselor I saw did not listen to me. I was telling her what I needed based on previous experience and her treatment style didn’t work for me. In addition, during my first appointment, she told me she was PCSing in a few weeks so she would have to give me to someone else when he/she arrived to take her place.

So I gave up. And I got sicker. I was given medication at a dose that, it turns out, was making me suicidal, but no one was monitoring my care. I slipped through the cracks. Finally in desperation, I called Mental Health again and told them that I was having suicidal thoughts. Finally, they took me very seriously and that is where the help really began. Finally after 6 months of the worst depression I’ve even suffered, I was in the hands of a skilled and caring counselor whose style helped me immensely.

On the marriage side, we didn’t have as much success though. Our marriage counselor was hopeless. He was prior military and unmarried. He instantly, shamelessly, “sided” with my husband. He told me that I simply neede d to put myself in my husband’s shoes and be more supportive of him. He implied that I was substandard because I couldn’t handle the pressures. He did much more damage to our marriage and we are still trying to recover from his “help”.

My advice:

· Ask for help. Don’t let yourself slip through the cracks.

· Be clear about what you need. You have a right to receive the care you need.

· Be persistent. If you can’t get an appointment, walk-in and make them see you.

· Don’t wait until you are desperate to get help.

· Take advantage of the plethora of hourly babysitters on base. Get out. Make sure your life is not just cooking, cleaning, childcare, and sleep. I implemented a night out each week and made sure I hired a sitter regardless of my husband’s schedule. I went out anyway. It was worth it.

· You are not crazy. It is extremely hard and everyone has a different tolerance level.

We are still holding on, but the things that I took for granted in my life are no longer secure. We’ve got lots of work ahead of us. Osan’s legacy will remain to be seen.

Anonymous, guest blogger

Getting Short

As my time at Osan draws to an end, I can’t help but feel very conflicted about how I feel about leaving. On one hand, I’m so happy to get out of this crazy ops tempo which meant so much work for me just to support it. On the other hand, I’m so sad to leave my friends and the unique bonds that only Osan can create.

While I count the days to our PCS (and I always know how many are left), I wonder what is in store for us next. I know that I will not be going somewhere where the bonds are a close as they are here. I know I get to go back to Target, Barnes and Noble, and a REAL grocery store with non-frozen meat. I know I might actually get to see my husband at dinner time on occasion. But I’ve learned so much here that I don’t know that anywhere else can compete.

Yes, I’ve learned about our place as Americans in the world and a lot about the military and how it works for better and worse. And, I’ve learned a lot about Korea and Asia in general. But most importantly, I’ve learned about personal independence, innovation, support, friendship, and creative, cooperative living. Important lessons for life that many people don’t really get to learn.

I will miss my Osan home because it has enriched my life, even if I don’t miss my Osan job, even for a minute.

Helen, Guest Blogger

Osan, Sweet Osan

It seems like every day I hear one of my friends or neighbors talking about a recent fabulous trip, or planning an upcoming one. If you look under 'labels' on the left side of this page you'll see a category called 'travel destinations' that has reviews of exotic locales by Osan parents. There are tons of interesting places you can easily travel to from here: Thailand, China, Japan, Malaysia, Vietnam, Cambodia, Australia, New Zealand, Guam, Saipan and more.

While you're here you might as well take advantage of all these opportunities to travel, right? When will you ever have a chance like this again? That's what everyone says, and for a while I believed them. But you know what? I don't WANT to travel around Asia. If I had my choices of continents to travel on, Asia would be on the very bottom of my list, even below Antarctica. I can't read the signs, it's a hassle to travel with my two small children, and travelling costs a lot of money and leave, both of which we'd rather save. I get my fill of Asian culture eating in town and taking day trips to the local attractions.

Sometimes I feel very lame and uncool admitting this to all my well-travelled friends, but no more! I'm embracing my inner homebody. It's okay to stay on base!